GOOD SHEPHERD 

   LUTHERAN CHURCH   

   The round church on the corner of 

 E. Military & Lincoln Avenues

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This page is dedicated to the idea that God, King of the Universe, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth and all that is in them, has a sense of humor.  Some of the entries on this page are not so funny but are included because they are thought provoking, and we could all have a few good thoughts provoked from time to time.

This one comes with free 

"What Would Jesus Download" software!

The Lite Side of God

1. God Said
2. Good Morning
3. Church Bulletin Bloopers
4. God's Kids
5. Great Thoughts
6. Not Always What They Seem
7. Senior Volunteers to the Rescue
8. The Fork
9. Why Lutherans Love to Sing
10. IMPORTANT RECALL NOTICE
11. The Empty Bird Cage
12. A Christian Donkey?

God Said

I asked God to take away my pain  God said, No. It is not  for me  to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole. God said,  No. Her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience. God said, No.  Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is earned.  

I asked God to give me happiness. God said, No.  I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain. God said, No.  Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.  

I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said, No. You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. God said,  No.  I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as he loves me.   God said...

Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.

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Good Morning

I am God.  

Today I will be handling all of your problems.  Please remember that I do not need your help.

If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, DO NOT attempt to resolve it.  Kindly put it in the S.F.J.T.D. (Something For Jesus To Do) Box.  It will be addressed in MY time, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it.  Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem.  If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure it is the proper resolution.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair.  There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work;  Think of the man who has been our of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad;  Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend;  Think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance;  Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror;  Think of the cancer patient on chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose?  Be thankful.  There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities;  Remember, things could be worse.  You could be them!!!!

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep.  Rest my child.  If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away.

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CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS

*Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear

*Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.

*Please sing the red Friendship Folder in your pew.

*If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.

*Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.

*Women's Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.

*Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well with my Solo"

*Congratulations to Tim and Rhonda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.

*If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

*We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.

*Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford"

*Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.

*Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.

*Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.

*The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.

*The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church board.

*As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.

*Fifth Sinday is Lent.

*Thank you dead friends.

*Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.

*Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.

*Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.

*For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.

*Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.

*Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.

*Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.

*The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working...

*Volunteers are needed to spit up food.

*Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess

*We pray that our people will jumble themselves.

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God's Kids

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the Thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids.  After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve...we got Forbidden Fruit!"

" No way!"

" Yes WAY!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I'm your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did Not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

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Great Thoughts

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;
forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true
enemies;
succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God;
it was never between you and them anyway.

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Not Always What They Seem

Two traveling angels stopped to spend the night in the home of a wealthy family. The family was rude and refused to let the angels stay in the mansion's guest room.  Instead the angels were given a space in the cold basement.  As they made their bed on the hard floor, the older angel saw a hole in the wall and repaired it.  When the younger angel asked why, the older angel replied..."Things aren't always what they seem".

The next night the pair came to rest at the house of a very poor, but very hospitable farmer and his wife.   After sharing what little food they had the couple let the angels sleep in their bed where they could have a good night's rest.   When the sun came up the next morning the angels found the farmer and his wife in tears.  Their only cow, whose milk had been their sole income, lay dead in the field.

The younger angel was infuriated and asked the older angel "how could you have let this happen!?  The first man had everything, yet you helped him" he accused.  "The second family had little but was willing to share everything, and you let their cow die."

"Things aren't always what they seem," the older angel replied.  "When we stayed in the basement of the mansion, I noticed there was gold stored in that hole in the wall.  Since the owner was so obsessed with greed and unwilling to share his good fortune, I sealed the wall so he wouldn't find it.  Then last night as we slept in the farmers bed, the angel of death came for his wife.  I gave her the cow instead.  Things aren't always what they seem."

Sometimes this is exactly what happens when things don't turn out the way they should.  If you have faith, you just need to trust that every outcome is always to your advantage.  You might not know it until some time later.  

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Senior Volunteers to the Rescue

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.  After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65.

To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before.

After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers. After thanking each of the old men individually, the president asked the
group what they intended to do with the reward money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The first thing we're going to do is fix the dang brakes on that truck!"

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The Fork

There was a woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live.  As she was getting her things in order she contacted her pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. The woman also requested to be buried with her favorite Bible.

Everything was in order and the pastor was preparing to leave when the woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. There's one more  thing, she said excitedly.

"What's that?" Came the pastor's reply.

"This is very important," the woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand."

The pastor stood looking at the woman, not knowing quite what to say.

"That surprises you, doesn't it?" The woman asked. 

"Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the pastor.

The woman explained. "In all my years of attending church socials and potluck dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, 'Keep your fork'. It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming, like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance. So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder 'What's with the fork?'."

Then I want you to tell them: Keep your fork, the best is yet to come.

The pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But, he also knew that the woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She KNEW that something better was coming. 

At the funeral people were walking by the woman's casket and they saw the pretty dress she was wearing and her favorite Bible and the fork placed in her right hand.

Over and over, the pastor heard the question: " What's with the fork?"  And over and over he smiled. During his message, the pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the woman shortly before she died. He told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. The pastor told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right.

So the next time you reach down for your fork, let it remind you oh so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Life's too short not to be happy, SMILE!

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Why Lutherans Love to Sing

 Garrison Keillor

I have made fun of Lutherans for years -- who wouldn't, if you live in Minnesota? But I have also sung with Lutherans and that is one of the main joys of life, along with hot baths and fresh sweet corn. We make fun of Lutherans for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of giving offense, their constant guilt that burns like a pilot light, their lack of speed and also for their secret fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them.

If you ask an audience in New York City, a relatively "Lutheranless" place, to sing along on the chorus of "Michael Row the Boat Ashore," they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them to strip to their underwear. But if you do this among Lutherans, they'll smile and row that boat ashore and upon the beach and down the road!

And Lutherans are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony. It's a talent that comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Lutherans to sing in harmony. We're too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in unison.

And when you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally fulfilling moment. I once sang the bass line of "Children of the Heavenly Father" in a room with about three thousand Lutherans in it; and when we finished, we all had tears in our eyes, partly from the promise that God will not forsake us, partly from the proximity of all those lovely voices. By our joining in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.

I do believe this: people who love to sing in four-part harmony are the sort of people you could call up when you're in deep distress. If you're dying, they'll comfort you. If you're lonely, they'll talk to you. If you're hungry, they'll give you tuna salad!

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IMPORTANT RECALL NOTICE

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units, code name Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has
been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality"- or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed. Some other symptoms are as follows:

A) Loss of direction
B) Foul vocal emissions
C) Amnesia of origin
D) Lack of peace and joy
E) Selfish, or violent behavior
F) Depression or confusion in the mental component
G) Fearfulness
H) Idolatry
I ) Rebellion

The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The RepairTechnician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs.

There is no additional fee required.The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with: 

A) Love
B) Joy
C) Peace
D) Patience
E) Kindness
F) Goodness
G) Faithfulness
H) Gentleness
I ) Self-control

Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on the use of these fixes. As an added upgrade, the Manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the premises!

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids the manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

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The Empty Bird Cage

A pastor was walking through town yesterday when he saw a young boy coming toward him swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright.  He stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there son?"

"Just some old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" he asked.

"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time."

"But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do then?"

"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh??!!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing -- they ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again. The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.

The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot. Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free.

Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story. One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting.

"Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you!!  You don't want those people!!"

"How much?" He asked again.

Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your tears, and all your blood."

Jesus said, "DONE!" Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the pulpit.

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A Christian Donkey?

A man bought a donkey from a preacher.

The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say "Hallelujah!"; the way to make him stop, is to say, "Amen!"

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah!", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot.
"Amen!", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great!", said the man.

 With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.  The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was  heading toward  a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.  "Stop",said the man. "Halt!", he cried. The donkey just kept on going. "Oh  No!,  Bible!,  Church!, Please Stop!", shouted the man. The donkey just began  to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally in desperation, the man said a prayer.

"Please Dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of
this mountain. In JESUS name, Amen." 

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man.

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